General News
7-Eleven clerk lives vicariously through condom purchaser

Convenience store duty manager Russell Celine spends most of his 6pm-4am shifts serving truck drivers, drunk uni students and late-night porn buyers, but there is one highlight in his ten hours of drudgery – imagining what kind of sexual debauchery regular condom buyer Steve Tintoski gets up to. Although Celine has never actually seen Tintoski accompanied by a woman, he often fantasises about the “raw, animal carnality that guy must have inside him”.

“Steve comes in here two, three times a week,” said Celine, who hasn’t required a condom since his girlfriend dumped him six months ago. “He always buys a 12-pack of Ansell Lifestyles condoms and a two-litre bottle of Coke Zero. I just can’t imagine anyone being able to burn through so many rubbers in such a short period of time. He must have, like, five girlfriends. Or maybe just one hot nympho who can’t get enough.” 

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Compounding the unintentionally celibate clerk’s jealous admiration is the fact Tintoski always purchases large-sized condoms and is constantly taking phonecalls on his mobile. “So not only is he getting more action than Shane Warne on tour – he’s well-endowed, too. What a legend. I bet he’s slept with all sorts of babes. Probably some famous chicks as well. I wonder if he knows Krystal from Big Brother.” 

Although the two have barely spoken beyond the usual transaction and customer service niceties, Celine feels a kinship with his favourite customer. ‘When I tell Steve to ‘Have a good night’, he knows what I’m talking about. One time, he bought a packet of black condoms. That time, I said, ‘Have a great night!'” 

Celine plans to ask the condom purchaser what he’s doing Friday night, in the hopes of gaining more insight into Tintoski’s sex- ife. “Who knows? Maybe he can give me a few pointers for picking up that blonde who always buys NW and a pack of peppermint Extra.”

The Chaser