Former Deputy PM Barnaby Joyce has today stood down as Nationals Party leader, telling reporters that he is excited to have more time to spend with his various families.
“I’m not sad about being knifed,” explained Joyce. “Now, I can focus on the important things, like my staffers’ sexy legs.”
“As a backbencher, I’ll have plenty more free time on my hands. Now I can just sit back, relax, and enjoy some quality families time. Who knows, maybe I could even try for a third?”
Joyce went on to explain that it was entirely his decision to resign, and the timing was in no way related to the fact that his party just voted him out of the job. “Sometimes when the universe unveils that you’re illegally a citizen of another country, that your mistress is pregnant, that you’re facing sexual harassment allegations, and that your party has dumped you as leader, you’ve just got to take the hint that the universe is giving you,” explained Barnaby. “And then sometimes you hold on for three more years just to really make sure the universe wants you gone. Turns out it did.”
Reports suggest that the backbencher might actually be taking the loss harder than he is letting on, as he requested that he get some ‘private time’ tonight in the Parliament House prayer room, telling his colleagues that it would be best to not enter no matter how much ‘moaning’ you might hear coming from in there.