To promote responsible drinking, for this year’s World Cup in South Africa, we are pleased to offer you two levels of drinking game. Please choose whichever best matches your intended level of inebriation.
Here are some guidelines to help you choose the appropriate level for you!
HEAVY: I am an alcoholic. I use soccer as an excuse to drink, the same way Peter Meakin uses driving home as an excuse to drink. I want to get so drunk I forget any Socceroo losses.
LIGHT: I am a teetotaller. I just like looking over complex lists and occasionally sipping from a beverage. I can only afford one drink now that Kevin Rudd has increased the tax on alcopops.
Got your level? Then settle in to watch the Socceroos!
LIGHT: Drink if Harry Kewell attacks the goal
HEAVY: Drink if Harry Kewell attacks the media
LIGHT: Drink for every game that Tim Cahill stars in
HEAVY: Drink for every advert that Tim Cahill stars in
LIGHT: Drink every time Aussie commentator mentions a Socceroo goal
HEAVY: Drink every time Aussie commentator mentions Johnny Warren
HEAVY: Drink every time Mark Schwarzer pulls off a last-ditch save
LIGHT: Drink every time Mark Schwarzer pulls off a kids’ book (see right)
LIGHT: Drink every time Vinnie Grella tackles somebody
HEAVY: Drink every time Vinnie Grella fouls somebody
HEAVY: A commentator makes a patronising comment about the African players having wonderful spirit
LIGHT:Andrew Johns makes special commentary appearance calling African players “black c*@ts”
HEAVY: The term “Bafana Bafana” is mentioned for no reason
LIGHT: The term “Bafana Bafana” is mentioned for a reason
HEAVY: The game reminds you why you don’t watch the A League
LIGHT: The game reminds you why you should watch the A League
LIGHT: The expression on Pim Verbeek’s face inspires confidence
HEAVY: The expression on Pim Verbeek’s face inspires you to change channel
Still not drunk enough? Then try these!
Drink every time:
• The animal kingdom scores a goal against the Socceroos in the Optus ad
• Any of the SBS shows advertised in the breaks seem appealing to you.
• Josh Kennedy’s hair reminds you of Jesus, only without the capacity for salvation.
• A mention of Bresciano reminds you of Italian furniture.
• A commentator gets excited about a shot that is way off target.
• A goalkeeper is wearing something embarrassing
• You long for an Australian player to lay a rugby tackle
• A Socceroo striker is selected in the starting lineup
• The footage cuts to a shot of Tim Cahill looking baleful in the stands
• A commentator wistfully mentions Guus Hiddink
• You recognise a player who isn’t Tim Cahill, Lucas Neill or Mark Schwarzer
• You find yourself longing for the Rugby League World Cup instead
• You’re watching the game in 3D, you rich bastard
• Craig Moore outsprints a Ghanaian player
• In fact, Craig Moore sprints at all
• Craig Foster finishes a sentence without calling for Pim Verbeek to be sacked
• A player who falls to the ground in pain actually turns out to be injured
STILL not drunk enough? Then play the Chaser’s Simplified Socceroos Drinking Game™
For those who want to get drunk but can’t deal with the complexity of a long list.
• Drink every time you hear a vuvuzela.
Many articls that aren’t on this website, like The Chaser Guide To Football, can be downloaded from our new iPad/iPhone app. It also contains exclusive video footage. Get it now at the App Store or get more info.